¿De Donde Son?

¿De donde son?

Seeingly innocuous, those three little words, but what pain they can encompass. For the monoglots out there, ¿de donde son? is spanish for 'look it up'. Just kidding. It of course means "where are you from", and the starting point for all verbal interaction for travellers and natives alike across this vast and diverse continent. We are usually asked three or four times a day. When you're travelling for almost a year, that adds up to quite a lot of repetitions. It looks like a simple question- it is in reality a simple question, but handling it is troublesome.

First, the basics. Let's narrow this down to nationality. We'll be sidestepping the whole English v British issue, merely noting that the debate is particularly vexing to border police in remote areas: or maybe they just want to screw with your mind by holding onto your passport for an eternity while noting the discrepancy between the 'english' on your immigration card and 'british' in your passport. There are distinct times when you really don't want to have to admit to being a denizen of the sceptred isle. Standing in front of the Falklands/Malvinas War memorial when they are changing the guards (who have pointy swords) is one such time. Booking a hostel room anywhere in Argentina the day after England have beaten Los Pumas in the rugby is another one. English, your interrogator will repeat, with a scornful glint in their eye. English, he will say again, pondering the matter gravely- as if unsure whether it would be appropriate to have you arrested on the spot. (this is particularly worrying outside military or government buildings) English, he will repeat again even more slowly, and rather sorrowfully, as if he had been quite prepared to like you, but now of course that is out of the question.

At the other end of the spectrum you may meet a street peddler, drunkard or - most dangerous- lunatic anglophile who will take your admission as an opportunity to regurgitate their entire knowledge of England. 'David Beckham', he will say 'oh, and that fat one whatsisname Rooney. Whine Rooney.YES'. He will then either seize your arm and shake your hand until your elbow is dislocated, or follow you down the road saying 'Big Ben!Bobby Charlton!Prince William's Royal Wedding!'. A rogueish glance, if you happen to still be in Argentina- 'Do you know who Diego Maradona is?' (The appropriate response to that one is to look rueful and make the hand of god gesture). If you are lucky, or patient, they will eventually tire of this game and wander off with a wink and a Cheerio!

If you are at a bar or a football game, or anywhere else where the exits are blocked, the next stage of the conversation will attempt further subclassifications . English, your new Argentine friend will say. Do you like Manchester City? You will confess that you don't, because you're from London. Ah, London. A knowing nod. London is Chelsea fans. If, at this stage you manage to refrain from pouring your drink over his head, (perhaps because your fiance is restraining you), you will tell him that actually, the majority of Londoners are not Chelsea fans (and incidentally, that the majority of Chelsea fans aren't Londoners. Or sentient lifeforms.) And your team is... Fool Ham? What is this Fool Ham? They do not have Argentinian players, I think.

Well no, not yet. You smug git.

All this goodwilled quizzing is naturally part of the rich cultural tapestry of travelling and it would smack of rank ingratitude to criticise a nation for taking an interest in the lives of its visitors (Heaven forbid we tried this in London!). The real tedium of ¿dedondeson? comes from the thousand or so times you have to explain to another tourist from the English speaking world. Picture the scene: You are hanging your knickers to dry on the radiator or cutting your toenails in a dorm room and someone new and chatty walks in with a big rucksack. You glance up, fatally, and make eye contact. One of you has to break the awkward silence- they've seen your pants, you have to acknowledge their existence now. Etiquette demands that the invader offers the verbal olive branch. So whereyoufrom has replaced hello as the default conversational opener, backing the victim into a corner from which there is no escape. You simply can't ignore a direct question unless you pretend to be deaf. For this reason you should never drape your freshly scrubbed gussets in public areas unless you have headphones in. Don't say you never learnt anything from me.

Now everyone knows where London is. Two Londoner can dispense with this nonsense pretty rapidly- west?east.borough?tower hamlets. me.too.no,surely notwhatanextraordinarycoincidence which bitwhitechapelextraordinaryi'mwappingwellwellsmallworldnicetomeetyoubyebye. The fun and games start when you take someone earnest with a San Diego zoo baseball cap on and put them next to someone from, well, let's say for the purposes of example, Yeovil.

Hi, I'm Chip. I'm from San Diego, California. Whereyoufrom?

Yeovil, England
(blank look)

It's a very small place.
(blank look)

It's in the southwest of England, in the county of Somerset
(blank look, kind of wishing they hadn't asked now)

Near Stonehenge
Is that near London?

Yes, yes, I live in London.

(then why didn't you say so?)

The heart of the matter is this: No one gives a tiny mouse's fart where you actually live. It's just one of these odd things that backpackers do, like building up collections of plastic bags, and stealing toilet rolls, and growing unsuitable beards. Is it tedious in the extreme? Certainly. Do I secretly want to kick the next person who asks you sharply in the ankle? Indisputably. Or maybe this is all perfectly normal, pleasant human interaction and I'm the one with the problem. Einstein famously said 'Madness is repeating the same action over and over, hoping for a different result'. He was almost right, I think. Madness is repeating the same answer again and again and hoping for a different question.